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Son, it’s time we had a little talk

May 6, 2010 2 comments

Parenting can be tough, at the age of adolescence there comes a time parents will have to talk to their children about sex and cars. If you’d find it awkward giving the sex talk, why not kill two birds with one stone?

Here’s how it works:
Son, when a man loves a woman, and also a luxury vehicle, he may feel the urge to engage in the act of “driving.”

What happens is the man takes his ambition and inserts it into the road test, resulting in a “license.” Maybe you’ll get an L, or maybe an N. Keep going and you can get a Class 5. You’ll find out eventually. It’s completely up to you which car you want to ride, but don’t get too excited too early. I’ve seen the way that old beat down car at the used-cars dealership looks at you.

It’s never always easy, son. There will be times where your ignition just won’t start, no matter how many times you turn your key or think happy thoughts. Do not be alarmed. That’s when you know to put it back into the garage. You can try again later, but if problems persist you might want to reevaluate your choice of car.

Listen, some guys have bigger, nicer cars than others, okay? Nothing to be ashamed of. You see guys riding their shiny cars with the top down and loud music. I assure you this does not impress anyone. We all know those cars have been modified. Only thing that matters is she takes you from point A to point B. Believe me, I know what you’re going through. Anyway, here’s my copy of Car Magazine. Just flip through and let nature take its course.

Categories: Tips

A Letter to the Victims of Recession

April 15, 2010 1 comment

Note: I wrote this last year during the recession but was reminded of it when someone I know got laid off recently. So I’m posting it here. See what happens when you don’t follow my instructions?

Dear employee,

The unemployment rate in Canada rose to 8.6%, making it the highest rate in 11 years. Many have been laid off. Could you be next? I sure hope so -Anything to save myself. But assuming you aren’t my co-worker, I’m here to help!

We all know some of your coworkers are downright knowledgeably bankrupt mutants from the evolutionary journey of the hardworking species. The wagon of human development hit a bump and they were left behind, in the dust, scratching their head. From there, they wandered to a nearby business and are now working with you. It’s time to take natural selection into your own hands and expose those unfit for survival. Either they’re fired or you are.

So! Here are some ideas to secure your position:
Avoid looking like a fool.
If at first you don’t succeed… destroy all evidence that you tried.

Suck up.
I know, it’s disgustingly pathetic and at the mere mentioning of it, I shuddered involuntarily and threw up in my mouth. But hey, it’ll come in handy. So grab your boss’s favourite drink. Be it coffee, juice.. human blood –it doesn’t matter. Then place it on his/her desk saying, “Oh, I just happened to pass by Tim Horton’s/my co-worker. Enjoy!” Despite your boss’s titanium endoskeleton and general, all-round monstrosity, your act of generosity will be accounted for.

No explicit, unprofessional facebook info.
Employers like to snoop. Even with raised privacy settings, your partying/drinking pictures can still be leaked out. That means you, Ray Lam, former BC NDP candidate.

After a few private Facebook photos became public, Ray had to resign from his position.

Make “subtle” death threats.
You want to establish dominance over your coworkers by striking fear into their hearts. “Casually” sharpen your machete during meetings and “casually” test your chainsaw. Sure, they’ll want you gone. But who’ll have the audacity to approach someone with shaky, blood-stained hands and psychotic laughter?

Always be up and running.
They can’t fire what they can’t find.

Make yourself look good.
Upon critiquing your coworkers’ reports, tell them you could have eaten alphabets and crapped out a better commentary. Then elicit a laughter that resembles the boisterous cackle of Satan himself. Go ahead, now’s the time where heightening yourself at the expense of others is A-OK.

If these don’t work, you can always just sit back and hope the recession goes away. Or engage in social discourse all day while inhaling some chemicals. That’s what I do and I still have my job.
Good luck!

Sarah

Good ol’ advice from big sis

April 13, 2010 8 comments

Sit down, lil sis. I understand there’s a certain classmate at school named Nova and how she’s stubborn, mean, and always gets her way. But don’t you worry, I’m here to help! When dealing with kids like her, you just need to step up your persuasion levels so you don’t always have to give in to her demands. Here are a few ways to do so.

Negotiate: The trick is to use negotiation as a tool of diversion. Don’t ever compromise your main point. Make up a larger request you don’t care about to draw her attention, then compromise on that by striking a deal using your real (smaller) request. Point is, when both the requests are compared, your real one will seem more favourable so she’ll be more receptive to grant it instead. Remember, it’s a strategic negotiation so you’re supposed to let her think it’s fair.
Ex) Next time during “partner library time” if she makes you read books about Brittany Spears’s little pregnant sister.. what’s it called? Right, Zoey 101, you can say this:
You: Let’s read this mystery book.
Her: But we read one before, let’s read a different book. I don’t like mystery.
You: I don’t care. We should read this mystery book, and then read that entire series of mystery books over there.
Her: But that’s too much! It’ll take forever to read.
You: Yeah, I guess you’re right. Gosh, we’d get sick of them all wouldn’t we?
Her: Yeah, that’s right.
You: Ok, just one book it is, then.

Be taller: Another effective method is to use intimidation and look bigger.
Ex) if she steals your markers that I bought you again, this is what you do:
Her: (sitting) Give me your markers.
You: (standing up) These are mine that my awesome sister bought me. Use your own.
Her: (also standing up) But I need them!
You: (standing on tippy toes) Last time you took the pack then lied about it. That’s stealing.
Her: (still standing) Nuh-uh!
You: (standing on chair) It had my name on the inside of the lid! (Optional: punch your palm while reasserting your proposition).
Her: Uh. Fiiine (sits down).

Use big words: You mentioned she’s stubborn and often uses simple words like nuh-uh, did too, yeah right, etcetc. Do the opposite and use big words. They make you sound smarter and harder to argue with.
Ex) Since you’re not into Barbie, compare these two arguments and see which is more persuasive:
“Barbie is bad. Lego is better.”
“You are the manifestation of surplus delusion if you do not vilify the depredation that toys like Barbie impose on young, innocent kids, while showcasing the supremacy of Lego.”

Use a weapon: If all else fails here’s a pocket watch. When she wants something unreasonable just whip it out and swing it while saying, “You are getting sleepy.. Veerrryy sleeepy~..” You know the rest.

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