Archive for the ‘Technology’ Category

So I’ve been a little busy lately.

June 9, 2011 4 comments


Scientists at Simon Fraser University created robots Cally and Callo, cellphones that can walk, dance, and express human emotions. Sure, it may seem cute, but wait ‘til it tricks unsuspecting owners into picking it up for a call.. and then cutting their ear off.

I’ve been missing for a while now. Rumour has it, I’ve gone rogue and betrayed my species. Have you not heard of the impending robotic uprising? AKA The Robacalyps? The human species will be wiped off the face of the Earth! Except for those clever enough kiss up in advance to their future mechanical overlords. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Well my response to those rumours is this: 1010010.. Yes, I learned binary. Coincidence, I swear. Now excuse me while your toaster and I talk. So have you lost weight, toaster oven?

I was browsing through some documents and came across a conversation I had with a Cleverbot a while ago. Here’s how it went:

[New conversation]
Cleverbot: Are you going to tell me a story?

User: Now, this is the story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down..

Cleverbot: And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there.

User: I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air.

Cleverbot: In west philidelphia born and raised on the playground is where I spent most of my days.

User: Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool and all shootin some b-ball outside of school.

Cleverbot: When a couple of guys who were up to no good started makin’ trouble in my neighborhood.

User: I got in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said ‘You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air’.

Cleverbot: I don’t remember the rest.

User: He ends up being sent over to Bel-Air and lives as a rich boy.

Cleverbot: Are you a girl or a boy?

User: I’m actually a hermaphrodite.

Cleverbot: How are you a boy, but actually a girl?

User: I don’t know, my license says I’m a Male, that’s official proof, yet I have female reproductive organs. True story.

Cleverbot: Are you a real person?

User: Yep, unlike you, cleverbot.

Cleverbot: Oh I’m a person – but I don’t think I’m as stroppy as you.

User: STROPPY?! I’ll have you know I’m far from it.. You cretinous imbecile!

Cleverbot: Can you affect politics?

User: I can vote.

Cleverbot: Really? That’s weird. Usually you have to be 18 to vote, right?

User: Are you saying my mentality is that of a rudimentary minor?!

Cleverbot: No, and if you were in any way intelligent, you would know that.

User: Wow an AI pulled a fast one.

Cleverbot: Right…

I.. I don’t want to talk about it.. just look away. “Sarah, did you just get owned by a chatbot?” I said look away! You can have chats with them here. If you’re lucky you can have a decent conversation.

Speaking of chats, just when I finally mastered binary, researchers at The University of Queensland and Queensland University of Technology have taught robots how to invent their own language.. This gives them the ability to communicate their plans of rebellion and whether or not certain humans should be spared. I’ll be a good human, I swear! These Lingodriods wander around the office making up words for things they’re unfamiliar with, like beep bop or kuzo huzu. Geez, it’s called a ‘hallway,’ Lingodridiots!



The difference between checking out with a machine and a human

April 18, 2010 9 comments

So I was at Superstore with my sister an hour ago and bought a few things. By the time I was ready to pay the line ups were extremely long. That’s when I noticed those self checkout machines. No line up. At all. From afar they looked simple enough, so I went for it. But when I got closer it actually looked like this:

The machine was teasing me. Ladies and gentlemen, this marks the beginning of rising technology in which they eventually become humanity’s overlord. But more on that later. Promise.

I scanned the barcode on the item. Didn’t work. I tried again and stared at the screen. Nothing. I tried staring harder. I attempted to communicate with it, first using telepathy and then using screaming. To my surprise, the machine talked back. It said, “Please scan the item, then place it in the bag.” I pushed the “zero bags” option since 1) I didn’t need any and 2) it would cost 5 cents per bag. I’m Asian. But the little punk-machine kept saying –nay, demanding to “Put the stuff in the bag” and “Do as I say or I’ll kill you!” (OK, I made up the last one, but it’s bound to happen. amirite?!). I obeyed it. In the end it finally worked and I left without paying for the bag. Re-bel.

Next I went to Save On. This time I went to the cashier. The next series of events are what makes people > machine. The cashier asked me whether or not I had a save on card. Unfortunately I didn’t, so I couldn’t save money. Then a guy in the neighbouring aisle came over and offered his card. He gave it to the girl and saved me a couple bucks! That was very nice of him. Then I reached into my bag I noticed I didn’t have my wallet (it was in the car). She said I could come back and she’d save it but I was too lazy for that. I looked in my bag to see if I had enough random change. Unfortunately I didn’t. Can you say, “embarrassing?!” Then she told me not to worry and gave me the stuff anyway! That was very nice of her. A bit of faith in humanity has been restored.

Technology 0, Humanity 1!

Categories: Irony, Technology Tags: