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Archive for June, 2010

Pt.1 (Ninja’d from the brother)

June 19, 2010 6 comments

Found this and thought I’d put it up.

-I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

-I don’t understand the purpose of the line “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. (I’m guilty of this)

-I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

-I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

-A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

-LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say.”

-I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

-Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

-Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart,” all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart.”

-How many times is it appropriate to say ‘What?’ before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

-I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a —- from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

-Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using “as in” examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies.”

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

-While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

-MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

-Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

-I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

-I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

-Bad decisions make good stories.

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Categories: Other

A Letter to Mother Nature

June 4, 2010 4 comments

Dear Mama Green,

Enough with the apocalyptic flurries of pollen mixed with dust balls mixed with cut grass mixed with pollen balls mixed with the bloody tears of those who fall victim of summer allergies.

One in six Canadians suffer from hay fever or seasonal allergic rhinitis. People are sneezing and getting ill everywhere. What’s that? Just take some medications? You’d like to see us try wouldn’t you? Upon treating the kiddies with allergies, today’s savvy parent will instinctively reach for a pack of Claritin. Should Claritin fail to provide relief, out comes Benadryl… then Allegra, a dust mask, and ultimately a large plastic bubble. Now, the kid being drowsy of medication side effects and being mortally wounded, today’s savvy parent sweats profusely while reaching for a book of spells before collapsing.

Look what you’ve done to us. We’re a struggling mass of swollen eyelids, shattered nostrils, itchy eyes, and extended middle fingers.

Mama G, I always thought of you as a glistening, angelic figure frolicking gracefully within the forest as rainbows and butterflies lead the way. All the cute little creatures would surround you as you sing along with them.

But I was wrong.

I guess only Snow White does that and you are a bullshit artist of a godly magnitude. You probably enjoy watching us struggle. Don’t think I’ve forgotten how you treated certain parts of the world as your own personal snow globe the other winter either. Listen, I get it. You must be furious about how we treat you sometimes, especially how Al Gore publicized some explicitly pervasive photos of how you looked in the past and how you look now. But ease off a little! We aren’t built for this kind of stuff.

From your tree hugging chum,

Sarah *Ah-Choo Le

Categories: A Letter To... Tags: ,