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Archive for July, 2010

Day 6: A Letter to a Stranger

July 19, 2010 4 comments

Dear Stranger,

I couldn’t help but notice how the girl you were with didn’t like any of the toys in the aisle, let alone the entire toys section.

Problem: Today’s little girls are getting tired of traditional toys.
Possible solutions:
A) Find out what their personal tastes are.
B) Spend more quality time with them instead of throwing toys at them.
C) Modernize toys for girls so they can relate to them better.

C! When in doubt answer C!

Suggestions:
Infamous Barbie – The one everyone loves to hate. Features smeared mascara and cries real tears!
Strawberry Shortcake – Well known for reasons unknown.
Pregnant Polly Pocket – Comes with home pregnancy kit (Home abortion kit sold separately).
Facebook Brattz– Throws a tantrum if you take her away from her computer set and try to play with her.
Dora the Sexplorer – Self sexplanatory..
Plastic surgery Barbie – You can play with the face! Note: the more you alter the more deformed it looks.
Botox Barbie – Note: studies have shown that the chemicals used for Botox can move from the face to the brain after injection. The downside in having the neurotoxin inhabiting your precious brain stem is that the circuitry of your spinal cord could be infected, causing limitations to your mental and physical movement. And death. On the upside, your thoughts will look 10 years younger.

Good luck with keeping that girl content, stranger. If you take interest in these toys… reply with your credit card info and I’ll have them sent right over to you!

From another stranger,

unknown

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Categories: A Letter To...

Day 5: A Letter to Your Dreams

July 18, 2010 1 comment

Dear Dreams,

You come as fast as 10 minutes into sleep. You come no matter where I’m sleeping. You are so vivid and unreal. You’ve given me two instances where I’ve had a dream within a dream. FYI it really is possible. And sometimes you threw in sleep paralysis as a bonus. I’ve had many dreams where they were similar (ex. My X-Men dreams where I was battling Jean Grey etc), but none were quite like this:

Night #1
It was a dark and scary night. I was outside and found somebody chasing me, so I ran. There was a huge maze-like house nearby and I thought to lose the killer through it. The damned place was a labyrinth of confusing hallways and rooms with locked doors. I could hear a cacophony of psychotic laughter echoing in the distance as I frightfully ran through the house. After coming to many dead ends and trying every door, I eventually came to one last door that stood between me and freedom. It was locked. The killer was coming closer and time wasn’t on my side. I vigorously jiggled the door-knob and somehow turned it in a way that it would unlock. Finally I was out of the house. I glance up and lo and behold! Who knew that freedom would look.. like a big red dragon?! It had its back facing the house and I knew I had to get passed it to be safe. Like a cheetah stealthily creeping through the tall grass, I was ready to make my escape. Slowly but steadily, I got to a point where I sprinted out of there.

Night #2

It was a dark and scary night. I was outside and.. –wait, what? This sounds familiar. Good lord, not this again! The following night I had the same dream. No, not exactly the same. Because I remembered going through that the previous night, the familiar events triggered the awareness of it being a dream. Thus it became a lucid dream. It was still scary as heck with the killer at my tail and everything. The house was still a pain I just wanted to find that last door. By the time I got there I panicked because the door wouldn’t open. Eventually it did, it just took a little longer. Then I got to the dragon again. I went through the same procedures as last time and successfully escaped. What a dream.

Night #3
It was a… let me guess, dark and scary night? Yeah! How did you know? Real question is, how could you NOT know?! Exact same scenario. Only thing different was my attitude. I got cocky. It was a lucid dream again because the same thing happened twice in a row and it was all too familiar. I thought to myself, “Ah, this is easy.” I lost the killer and it didn’t take me as long to get through the house. I knew where the last door was and unlocked it with ease. The dragon was still there, and I thought it was harmless. “This is cake,” I thought. At first I was crawling behind the tall grass, but then I picked up my pace and thought it wouldn’t notice. I was wrong. It turned around and looked right at me. “Oh shi..” I ran but the dragon caught up with me and all I could remember next was its mouth getting bigger and bigger as the world got darker and darker.

Thanks for the crazy and vivid adventures, dream. You’re the reason I love to sleep.

Good night!

Sar..Zzzz

Categories: A Letter To...

Day 4: A Letter to a Sibling

July 17, 2010 1 comment

Dear Sibling,

Being only 3 years apart, it was easy for us to bicker. Did I say bicker? -Because I meant spontaneously break out in combat to the death of our pride. Sometimes there wasn’t even a reason to be fighting. Remember that time you decided you wanted to practice some of your martial arts moves? Long story short you put an empty ice cream bucket over my head as a substitute for a helmet and did a jump kick.

(On the right) Now imagine this, but like over a decade ago and in our room. Yeah, that was us.


I was too young to know what was going on, but if there was one thing I did know, it was how to do a fetal position. Good times. I’ve always wanted to be jump kicked. Thanks bro!

And then there was that time you took me to school. I didn’t go to school but you wanted me to come with you. Together we walked there and I remember you introducing me to your class. I don’t know WHY you did that. You must have been so proud I was your sister you wanted to show the class! Yeah, that’s the story I’m going with. Your teacher had this “what the @#!% is this kid doing bringing his sister here” look, followed by a “what the !%^! do I do” look. I just sat in the office until I got picked up. Thanks bro! I got a jump start to education. Lesson one: don’t take kids to your class. (Btw I failed. When I started school I ended up bringing Helen to my class once and introduced her. Why? I do not know.)

Fights were basically a way to show what we were made of. Thing is I’ve already figured out what you’re “made of.” Here’s how it breaks down:

10% Snakes, snails, and puppy dog tails
3% Blueberries (sour ones)
24% Brain so powerful and high-pitched that only dogs can understand the decisions it makes sometimes
6% Digestive system capable of breaking down every food. No matter how much you eat, you don’t get fat
10% Diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of ideas
32% Adamantium endoskeleton that renders you impervious to the jokes/teases I pitch
12% Computer geek
6% Awesome

Total: 100% what a brother should be. Thanks bro!

Categories: A Letter To...

Day 3: A Letter to Your Parents!

A friend posted this and I thought I’d google it up and repost it here.

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
She deserves it.
Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Cody,

P.S.. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it’s safe to come home.

Categories: A Letter To...

Day 2: A Letter to Your Crush!

July 15, 2010 4 comments

Dear crush,

I know this may seem sudden, but you need to hear this. I’ve had my eye on you for a while now. I must admit, you’re a great person but sometimes you’re a little uptight. You don’t like it when I call you and you somehow always forget to respond to my messages. I don’t see why you’d get upset when I obsessively watch you in your room from a tree branch. I know you don’t want people knowing about me, but that’s why I wore a squirrel costume, silly! I mean, I’m not crazy.

By the way, I’m not giving back your lock of hair. I took it when you were sleeping and it’s mine. And it smells spectacular.

I think it’s cute when you use little code words when talking to me. Remember that time you called and spewed some inventive uses of profanity towards me? I love it when you swear. It makes you sound bad-ass. I’d giggle and say, “The falcon perches atop the snowman.” You’d have hung up by then, but I enjoyed saying it anyway.

Sometimes you’d whisper romantic things about me to your friends. You’d say something and they’d laugh. Then I’d laugh. Then they’d laugh harder. I don’t know what you’re saying, but the way you say it and point at me makes me feel special. I like your friends. They seem nice.

Listen, it won’t be long before you take a real liking to me. Believe me, I’ll start talking to you more, arrange meetings, and I just won’t stop. Not even when the police pull me off of you!

XOXO,
Sarah the crazy stalker girl

Categories: A Letter To...

Day 1: A Letter to Your Best Friends

July 14, 2010 1 comment

A Letter to: My Best Friends

Dear Very Good Friends,

Imagine if we were trapped on an island, left to fend for ourselves. How thrilling is the prospect of an improbable string of events tying us together leaving us trapped on an island?! Our inner beast would be unleashed and our natural survival instincts would kick in. We would use our collective knowledge to draw up effective survival mechanisms. Then eventually some high-maintenance complainer is going to casually mention how it would be nice to have proper shelter or a rudimentary form of sanitation or clothes of any kind. And that’s when things will get awkward.

What?!


Okay, it might sound a bit cool at first, but if given the choice I’d prefer we don’t get stranded on an island. We’d be on our own left to fend for ourselves, pitted against unknown flesh-ravaging savages and forced to use whatever skills we have to trade and generate return business. But then again I already spent 6 years in customer service/sales.

So which one of us would be the leader? To make this easier, remember when I used to go on about how I fought dragons, had X-Men powers, and was able to fly? I lied. Well, not really. I really was able to do all that.. in my dreams. You see, in a nonphysical realm such as the dream world, the laws of nature cease to exist. And as much as I’d like it to, the powers I had in the dream don’t carry over to the real world. What I’m saying is in reality I. Am. Useless. A procrastinating, mistake making, job avoiding useless yahoo.

This is how I picture it. We’re gathered around a bonfire. The conversation turns to assigning jobs/listing your qualities.
“I can make us delicious food!” Says one of you.
“I can provide musical entertainment! You can rely on me!” Says another.
“I can write awesome short stories!”
“I can be the logical, rational peacekeeper!”
“I can keep everyone laughing and smiling, no matter what I do!”
“I can cheer anyone up in times of stress!”
“I can fix anything!”

Then you’d go on listing which qualities you have that’s pertinent to survival.

It’s my turn now. Everyone looks at me. Crickets chirp, pins drop, someone coughs..
“If.. If I work really hard and concentrate,” I’ll continue, “I can cross my eyes.”

Like this girl.


Could I be a doctor? No. A food gatherer? Have you seen my sense of direction? A cook? Haha you’re funny. A hunter? Maybe, though I’m not very good with physical activity and, um, is that a drop of blo –faints girlishly.
Yeah I’ll be first to die. In that case you guys can have my meat. Just don’t put my head on a stick to ward off beasts. It won’t work.

But enough about me. Bottom line is you, my dear friends, are awesome.

From your chum,

Sarah

Categories: A Letter To...

I’ve been challenged!

July 14, 2010 1 comment

The challenge is for me to write 30 letters to (preferably) 30 different people in 30 days. A few others have been challenged as well, so we’ll all be doing the same topics. Haven’t been making entries much lately, so this will keep me going. On to letter number one!

Note: I’ve deleted and rewritten all letters from days 1 through 4. I meant to answer them seriously about myself at first, but they were too boring for my taste. If you didn’t see them you’re too late. Muhahaha!

Categories: Other