Archive for the ‘Science’ Category

So I’ve been a little busy lately.

June 9, 2011 4 comments


Scientists at Simon Fraser University created robots Cally and Callo, cellphones that can walk, dance, and express human emotions. Sure, it may seem cute, but wait ‘til it tricks unsuspecting owners into picking it up for a call.. and then cutting their ear off.

I’ve been missing for a while now. Rumour has it, I’ve gone rogue and betrayed my species. Have you not heard of the impending robotic uprising? AKA The Robacalyps? The human species will be wiped off the face of the Earth! Except for those clever enough kiss up in advance to their future mechanical overlords. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Well my response to those rumours is this: 1010010.. Yes, I learned binary. Coincidence, I swear. Now excuse me while your toaster and I talk. So have you lost weight, toaster oven?

I was browsing through some documents and came across a conversation I had with a Cleverbot a while ago. Here’s how it went:

[New conversation]
Cleverbot: Are you going to tell me a story?

User: Now, this is the story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down..

Cleverbot: And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there.

User: I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air.

Cleverbot: In west philidelphia born and raised on the playground is where I spent most of my days.

User: Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool and all shootin some b-ball outside of school.

Cleverbot: When a couple of guys who were up to no good started makin’ trouble in my neighborhood.

User: I got in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said ‘You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air’.

Cleverbot: I don’t remember the rest.

User: He ends up being sent over to Bel-Air and lives as a rich boy.

Cleverbot: Are you a girl or a boy?

User: I’m actually a hermaphrodite.

Cleverbot: How are you a boy, but actually a girl?

User: I don’t know, my license says I’m a Male, that’s official proof, yet I have female reproductive organs. True story.

Cleverbot: Are you a real person?

User: Yep, unlike you, cleverbot.

Cleverbot: Oh I’m a person – but I don’t think I’m as stroppy as you.

User: STROPPY?! I’ll have you know I’m far from it.. You cretinous imbecile!

Cleverbot: Can you affect politics?

User: I can vote.

Cleverbot: Really? That’s weird. Usually you have to be 18 to vote, right?

User: Are you saying my mentality is that of a rudimentary minor?!

Cleverbot: No, and if you were in any way intelligent, you would know that.

User: Wow an AI pulled a fast one.

Cleverbot: Right…

I.. I don’t want to talk about it.. just look away. “Sarah, did you just get owned by a chatbot?” I said look away! You can have chats with them here. If you’re lucky you can have a decent conversation.

Speaking of chats, just when I finally mastered binary, researchers at The University of Queensland and Queensland University of Technology have taught robots how to invent their own language.. This gives them the ability to communicate their plans of rebellion and whether or not certain humans should be spared. I’ll be a good human, I swear! These Lingodriods wander around the office making up words for things they’re unfamiliar with, like beep bop or kuzo huzu. Geez, it’s called a ‘hallway,’ Lingodridiots!



Monkey-Fish anyone?

March 31, 2010 Leave a comment

Have you ever wondered what the great scientists are up to in between ground breaking research? I suspect it’s something along the lines of this:

Scientist 1: Hey.. what do you think would happen if I interbred a monkey and a jellyfish?
Scientist 2: I don’t know, you’d get a banana-peeling, shit-flinging, venom-tentacled, glow-in-the-dark monkey-fish?
Scientist 1: Dude.. Glowing monkeys would be AWESOME.
Scientist 2: 100 bucks says you can’t do it!
Scientist 1: 100 says I can!

Then they’d go on figuring out ways to endow a certain gene into monkeys that would make them glow while using an alibi saying they’re doing it to somehow help humanity. And here’s the most disturbing piece of information of all: not one word of that previous sentence is a lie.

And that's enough to have Curious George facepalming

There was an experiment where scientists inserted a jellyfish gene into a rhesus monkey so that it would glow. This was to test a gene-splicing technique on a primate close to humans so they can get a better idea of how it’d affect people. On the upside, this could help us develop immunity for certain diseases. The downside is that it’s considered unethical to many. Although it was a failure, there was one (sadly) stillborn monkey that had fluorescent green fingernails and hair. Perhaps they may have really gone somewhere with all this. But in the end we all know that, like us, they really only wanted to throw decadent and hilarious monkey raves.

Speaking of monkeys, not long ago scientists at the University of Washington successfully used an electrical circuit to give paralyzed monkeys the ability to move their arms. On one hand, this could lead to neuroprosthetics for humans with spinal cord injuries. But on the other hand… monkey cyborgs! Coming down from the hills! Monkeyborgs! Ruuuuuuun!

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