Monkey-Fish anyone?

Have you ever wondered what the great scientists are up to in between ground breaking research? I suspect it’s something along the lines of this:

Scientist 1: Hey.. what do you think would happen if I interbred a monkey and a jellyfish?
Scientist 2: I don’t know, you’d get a banana-peeling, shit-flinging, venom-tentacled, glow-in-the-dark monkey-fish?
*pause*
Scientist 1: Dude.. Glowing monkeys would be AWESOME.
Scientist 2: 100 bucks says you can’t do it!
Scientist 1: 100 says I can!

Then they’d go on figuring out ways to endow a certain gene into monkeys that would make them glow while using an alibi saying they’re doing it to somehow help humanity. And here’s the most disturbing piece of information of all: not one word of that previous sentence is a lie.

And that's enough to have Curious George facepalming

There was an experiment where scientists inserted a jellyfish gene into a rhesus monkey so that it would glow. This was to test a gene-splicing technique on a primate close to humans so they can get a better idea of how it’d affect people. On the upside, this could help us develop immunity for certain diseases. The downside is that it’s considered unethical to many. Although it was a failure, there was one (sadly) stillborn monkey that had fluorescent green fingernails and hair. Perhaps they may have really gone somewhere with all this. But in the end we all know that, like us, they really only wanted to throw decadent and hilarious monkey raves.

Speaking of monkeys, not long ago scientists at the University of Washington successfully used an electrical circuit to give paralyzed monkeys the ability to move their arms. On one hand, this could lead to neuroprosthetics for humans with spinal cord injuries. But on the other hand… monkey cyborgs! Coming down from the hills! Monkeyborgs! Ruuuuuuun!

Gather ‘round, children. It’s story time!

I’m going to write a novel and submit it to a publishing company. It’s called, “My Mind is a Black Hole.” It’s about this character (you could say it’s semi-autobiographical) who finds herself at the mercy of egg-heads in white coats during some laboratory experiment -something to do with studying my overwhelming awesomeness. Then an accident occurs, causing a big explosion of my head. The scientists reassemble my head and mix in certain chemicals that lead to having superpowers. It works likes this: any encounter with irresponsible, narrow-minded, truth-denying, people who maliciously misunderstand and force me to decrypt the tautological nonsense they elicit would make my head explode.

With my head turning into a supernova, the chances of a black hole forming are heightened. At which point, the black hole inevitably sucks in every quark, lepton etc (you name it) of the person, where they are recomposed into my subconscious. They would have to live in my world, deal with my crazy dreams etc. When they understand their wrongdoing they are released and re-recomposed back to reality (only they have the power to do that). However, it’s not guaranteed they will go back to the way they were before the decomposition. The process is all involuntary.

*Spoiler alert*
Then in the last chapter I piss myself off and get sucked into my own black hole. Oh the horror.

Note: “Supernovas” take a long time to occur, and even so it would take a lot for a serious “black hole” to form. Metaphor ends now.

Heroes in a half-shell -Turtle power!

Speaking of art, here’s a scanned image of my latest sketch:

Donatello on roids.
I drew this on March 19, 2007.
Wow that was 3 years ago!
Maybe I should start drawing again.

Art Schmart!

My last post prompted a view I had on art. What makes it good or bad? The variations for each type of art are endless. There’s the art of cooking, the art of dancing, the art of painting, the art of bullshitting etc. Almost anything can be described as an art. In this sense it just means the quality is dependent on the mastery of the activity. But we have to draw the line somewhere, or at least draw some specifications. Which brings the question: what is art? (The creative design kind) Anyone who claims to have a monopoly definition of what art is ultimately asks for a thorough philosophical drubbing. I think the meaning of the word “art” is a subjective evaluation, which is an opinion subject to those who care to think about it. Hell, it could be used as an arbitrary word filled with meaning that suits an individual’s fancy.

For me that doesn’t suffice. My simplest deduction is that it’s an objectified expression of a subjective proposition. It has to be objectified because whatever notion of art that exists privately in the mind wouldn’t count. An idea that is not communicated or materialized is not an artwork. Without the material, the work is, quite literally, nothing. If there’s no audience to call something an artwork, then you don’t have an artwork. If you have nothing to call an artwork, then you have no one to call an artist. Dead-end. The expression would reflect the human psyche through the generation of abstract concepts, meanings, and feelings that includes anything awe-inspiring, moving, memorable etc. The work doesn’t have to tell the viewers the message directly either. It could elicit a reaction that tells us something about ourselves. They say a picture’s worth a thousand words, but I think the majority reaction they get from the audience is lazy prejudice.

I used to think art was the product of the humanistic organizations of thought and behavior embodying abstract concepts. One cannot correlate meaning with anything objective without the neural processes, which humans have, that give rise to the feeling of meaning. It’s because of this cognitive ability that we can appreciate and create art but primitive animals can’t.

But I was wrong. There is an exception. I came across this fascinating article on the Piraha, a tribe of Amazon natives along the Maici River. Check out the article if you don’t have the attention span of a gold-fish.

“The Pirahã,” Everett wrote, “have no numbers, no fixed color terms, no perfect tense, no deep memory, no tradition of art or drawing, and no words for “all,” “each,” “every,” “most,” or “few”—terms of quantification believed by some linguists to be among the common building blocks of human cognition… Committed to an existence in which only observable experience is real, the Pirahã do not think, or speak, in abstractions. Everett pointed to the word xibipío as a clue to how the Pirahã perceive reality solely according to what exists within the boundaries of their direct experience.”

I know what you’re thinking, but mass retardation isn’t the case. Who would’ve thought that culture is the only thing hindering the Piraha’s ability to define art? It’s not that they don’t have the cognitive ability, they most certainly do! It’s just absent from their syntax due to cultural constraints. I’ll have to revise my previous thought on art. Oh no, not more thinking! While art is still a product of human cognition, it doesn’t necessitate the production of art.

An alternative blueprint for holy conviction

Steps to creating your own God:

1. You need a book. The almighty creator of the Universe always has “a book”. This should contain the ideology of your religion. Also, make sure you get it right the first time, you’re really not supposed to amend it later.

Mass Media and Popular Culture (2nd Edition)

2. You need a good name for your god. Monotheism is in right now, so the singular is more convincing. People immediately know who you are when you mention Allah, Yaweh, Odin, Thor etc. You need something that is equally distinguishable.

Media

3. Make sure your religion contains a list of DOs and DON’Ts. People like to be told what to do. A list of 10 is pretty smart, but that’s already been taken, so you might want to try a different number. Make sure you also give your people a lot of morally ambiguous, metaphorical tales to follow. This way they can be applied to virtually any situation, giving them the appearance of timelessness.

Follow these rules and you shall be forever accepted in the human world for all eternity.. as long as you live. As people, we are to assimilate into a world where only beauty awaits. And no, beauty is neither within the eye of the beholder nor beer holder. It’s within the eyes of Media. It’s everywhere and all-knowing. You are to be in the right physical and/or mental shape. Otherwise, you suffer a psychological hell on earth.

4. And, most importantly, you need some miracles or fulfilled prophesies to give your religion some validity. How you accomplish this is up to you. This will probably be the hardest part, because if you don’t record them on digital media, people will probably want proof. And if you do, skeptics will probably cry “Photoshop”! —>

This would be known as the project of the devil to some, but the product of artwork to others. To be accepted is to be “beautiful” is to be the best of what you are is to be the contrary of conformity is to be “ugly” is to be you and proud of it. To be faithful in what this “religion” has to offer is to pass this contradictory test. Be your own star.

(I found this document I wrote when I was 15/16. It’s so old, can’t believe I still have it.)

Pt 2.

– I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”

– Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

– Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

– Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

– You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

– Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

– There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

– I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. (So true for me)

– “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

– I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away? (I know some people do this just to annoy the other person for not answering …)

– I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

– As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

– Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

– It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

– I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time… (alarm clock ninjas ftw! -Though sometimes that extra 5 mins turns into 45 mins Z_Z!)

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day, “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.