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A Letter to the Victims of Recession

Note: I wrote this last year during the recession but was reminded of it when someone I know got laid off recently. So I’m posting it here. See what happens when you don’t follow my instructions?

Dear employee,

The unemployment rate in Canada rose to 8.6%, making it the highest rate in 11 years. Many have been laid off. Could you be next? I sure hope so -Anything to save myself. But assuming you aren’t my co-worker, I’m here to help!

We all know some of your coworkers are downright knowledgeably bankrupt mutants from the evolutionary journey of the hardworking species. The wagon of human development hit a bump and they were left behind, in the dust, scratching their head. From there, they wandered to a nearby business and are now working with you. It’s time to take natural selection into your own hands and expose those unfit for survival. Either they’re fired or you are.

So! Here are some ideas to secure your position:
Avoid looking like a fool.
If at first you don’t succeed… destroy all evidence that you tried.

Suck up.
I know, it’s disgustingly pathetic and at the mere mentioning of it, I shuddered involuntarily and threw up in my mouth. But hey, it’ll come in handy. So grab your boss’s favourite drink. Be it coffee, juice.. human blood –it doesn’t matter. Then place it on his/her desk saying, “Oh, I just happened to pass by Tim Horton’s/my co-worker. Enjoy!” Despite your boss’s titanium endoskeleton and general, all-round monstrosity, your act of generosity will be accounted for.

No explicit, unprofessional facebook info.
Employers like to snoop. Even with raised privacy settings, your partying/drinking pictures can still be leaked out. That means you, Ray Lam, former BC NDP candidate.

After a few private Facebook photos became public, Ray had to resign from his position.

Make “subtle” death threats.
You want to establish dominance over your coworkers by striking fear into their hearts. “Casually” sharpen your machete during meetings and “casually” test your chainsaw. Sure, they’ll want you gone. But who’ll have the audacity to approach someone with shaky, blood-stained hands and psychotic laughter?

Always be up and running.
They can’t fire what they can’t find.

Make yourself look good.
Upon critiquing your coworkers’ reports, tell them you could have eaten alphabets and crapped out a better commentary. Then elicit a laughter that resembles the boisterous cackle of Satan himself. Go ahead, now’s the time where heightening yourself at the expense of others is A-OK.

If these don’t work, you can always just sit back and hope the recession goes away. Or engage in social discourse all day while inhaling some chemicals. That’s what I do and I still have my job.
Good luck!


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  1. April 15, 2010 at 2:29 am

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