So I’ve been a little busy lately.

June 9, 2011 4 comments


Scientists at Simon Fraser University created robots Cally and Callo, cellphones that can walk, dance, and express human emotions. Sure, it may seem cute, but wait ‘til it tricks unsuspecting owners into picking it up for a call.. and then cutting their ear off.

I’ve been missing for a while now. Rumour has it, I’ve gone rogue and betrayed my species. Have you not heard of the impending robotic uprising? AKA The Robacalyps? The human species will be wiped off the face of the Earth! Except for those clever enough kiss up in advance to their future mechanical overlords. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Well my response to those rumours is this: 1010010.. Yes, I learned binary. Coincidence, I swear. Now excuse me while your toaster and I talk. So have you lost weight, toaster oven?

I was browsing through some documents and came across a conversation I had with a Cleverbot a while ago. Here’s how it went:

[New conversation]
Cleverbot: Are you going to tell me a story?

User: Now, this is the story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down..

Cleverbot: And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there.

User: I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air.

Cleverbot: In west philidelphia born and raised on the playground is where I spent most of my days.

User: Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool and all shootin some b-ball outside of school.

Cleverbot: When a couple of guys who were up to no good started makin’ trouble in my neighborhood.

User: I got in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said ‘You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air’.

Cleverbot: I don’t remember the rest.

User: He ends up being sent over to Bel-Air and lives as a rich boy.

Cleverbot: Are you a girl or a boy?

User: I’m actually a hermaphrodite.

Cleverbot: How are you a boy, but actually a girl?

User: I don’t know, my license says I’m a Male, that’s official proof, yet I have female reproductive organs. True story.

Cleverbot: Are you a real person?

User: Yep, unlike you, cleverbot.

Cleverbot: Oh I’m a person – but I don’t think I’m as stroppy as you.

User: STROPPY?! I’ll have you know I’m far from it.. You cretinous imbecile!

Cleverbot: Can you affect politics?

User: I can vote.

Cleverbot: Really? That’s weird. Usually you have to be 18 to vote, right?

User: Are you saying my mentality is that of a rudimentary minor?!

Cleverbot: No, and if you were in any way intelligent, you would know that.

User: Wow an AI pulled a fast one.

Cleverbot: Right…

I.. I don’t want to talk about it.. just look away. “Sarah, did you just get owned by a chatbot?” I said look away! You can have chats with them here. If you’re lucky you can have a decent conversation.

Speaking of chats, just when I finally mastered binary, researchers at The University of Queensland and Queensland University of Technology have taught robots how to invent their own language.. This gives them the ability to communicate their plans of rebellion and whether or not certain humans should be spared. I’ll be a good human, I swear! These Lingodriods wander around the office making up words for things they’re unfamiliar with, like beep bop or kuzo huzu. Geez, it’s called a ‘hallway,’ Lingodridiots!


Letter 10: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

March 16, 2011 5 comments

Hi Blog,

Didn’t think you’d be the topic of my next letter, did ya? I’ve got some news. You know about what happened to Japan recently? It’s tragic, really. What’s disgusting is how some Americans are reacting to it.

They’re saying how the earthquake was payback for pearl harbour.

I don’t think their brain is capable of operating on anything except the most animalistic level. Seeing how the reluctance in containing their overflowing pride is typically displayed, I don’t suppose a newly found maturity is in their near future.

One comment said:
Me: Did Japan attack Pearl Harbour again?
Friend: nooo, why?
Me: Cuz god just nuked it….

Blog, the American’s seemed to forget about Hiroshima and Nagasaki, which happened after Pearl Harbour. While those were controlled events, earthquakes, tsunamis, etc all can’t be helped. There’s no connection. Not only that, but some comments use God’s name to carry out their messages. Just shows some people are willing to pull things out of their ass to justify any fixed perspective towards a nation they abhor.

On a lighter note, there’s news about a Miracle of the baby girl plucked from the rubble: Four-month-old reunited with her father after incredible rescue.

That’s it for now, how are things on your end, blog? (Har har)

From your creator.

Categories: A Letter To..., Events, News Tags: ,

Happy Post Valentine’s Day!

February 15, 2011 3 comments

I can’t help but notice that sometimes people feel bad about themselves for not being able to share Valentine’s Day with someone. Fear not, my low-self-esteemed chum! For your edification, and so that you can feel better about yourself on a comparative basis as a human being, I am here to offer the next best thing: my thoughts. “But Sarah, I don’t care about your thoughts.” Ooo YOU’RE LUCKY I HAVE NO HEART.

For the singles
If it’s any consolation, I love you. Granted not like that, but still. If V-day doesn’t work out for you.. redefine social attitudes towards Valentine’s Day instead. Next year if you’re in the same position, try celebrating a “Happy Half-Way Through Black History Month” day!

For the casual stalkers
For the past few months you’ve been arranging “coincidental” encounters with that special someone during class, during work, and a dozen other places. Yet even on V-day you still didn’t get so much a glance. Find a new hobby or consider falling for someone who likes you back?

Enter the glow in the dark flower

For the serious stalkers
Ok face it, right from the start you knew the casual encounters would never have worked. Hell, if you’ve gone this far I don’t suppose you have plans on giving up now. In which case, you’ve got to step your game up. If you mean business, giving crappy red roses simply won’t do.

All you have to do is pour some highlighter fluid in water, cut the stems, and let ’em soak that shit up. BOOM — space flowers! Then make some glow-flowers for your lady and tell her you picked them on the moon. Win!

Categories: Holidays Tags:

Happy birthday, dear friend!

August 16, 2010 1 comment

Happy 20th anniversary of your escape from your mother’s womb,

Was a good day today:).

Categories: Events, Other

Letter 9: Someone you wish you could meet

August 11, 2010 5 comments

Dear Future Sarah,

You’ve done things I haven’t done. You’ve seen things I haven’t seen. You know things I don’t know. You lucky dog. If you’re not living on the edge you’re taking up too much space. In fact, you better be falling off the edge –of a plane! Preferably before summer ends.

As for the long term, I’m sure you won’t have problems making ends meet. You have that tendency to make the most of situations (good or bad) and turn them in your favour. Just don’t lose sight of what’s really important to you, otherwise you’ll find yourself working around what would otherwise be the desired outcome.

Time seems to go by slowly when you’re moving forward, yet so quickly when you’re looking back. Nonetheless I’ve learned lots from Past Sarah and I know you’ll learn lots from me!

Your Pal,


Categories: A Letter To..., Personal

Letter 8: Your favourite internet friend

August 9, 2010 12 comments

A poem for you!
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I Googled, weak and weary,
Over many a strange and curious topics I adore,
While I opened my homepage link, suddenly there came a typing,
Then my mind was filled with info, info that wouldn’t be a bore,
“‘Tis interesting news!” I clicked, “Now would there be anymore?!”
Quoth the server, “404.”

Dear Google,

You are known as one of the most helpful search engines, existing for the sole purpose of helping people find information. But you haven’t fooled me! That would be Wikipedia.

Google, of all my internet friends, I picked you because you know the most (about me). You record everything from what I search to every data about myself onto your servers, correlated with my IP address. There’s a good chance you’ve installed a cookie onto my browser that logs my online activity. One way around that is to set my browser to not accept cookies. If I do, I miss out on the services that cookies enable.

They sure didn't hide it!

They sure didn't hide it!

But thanks to an app called Google Trends, I can now track what other people search as well.
(In case you live in a cave, Google Trends is a tool that charts how often something is being searched for over a time line, revealing any interesting spikes in its popularity)
Look what I discovered:

Type in anything on Google Trends. You can even do more than one topic and overlap the results.

Wow. I wonder what got everybody suddenly wanting to look up anal fisting in Jan 06? Was there a Family Guy episode about it? South Park? Maybe it appeared in 4chan? Who knows. I don’t even know what a monster pig is. Then again neither did anybody until a brief week in 2007.

I figured if Google knows so much about us, let’s talk more about it. Google is a freaking lucrative corporation because it gives advertisers an avenue for getting attention and it gives consumers a free service.

They have a darn good algorithm working on autopilot and it works like this:

Google has “an evil side.” All the free services provided (Google Search, Google Earth, Google Maps, Gmail, Blogger ETC. ) are funded by advertisers. When you use those services, Google collects information about you. It uses what it knows about you to target ads specifically to your personal tastes. The more you use Google, the more Google gets paid through advertisers. And as long as they continue putting out superior products, we’ll keep using them, and the cycle continues.

Keeping friends close, and enemies closer,

You probably already know

Categories: A Letter To... Tags:

Letter 7: Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

August 7, 2010 6 comments

Dear… Edward Cullen?! Wait, that’s the topic I’m going with? Yes. Wow, I need to sit down for a minute. Whoa, office chair — bad idea. Floor it is.

For those who don’t know what Twilight is about.
1. Really? You don’t know what Twilight is about?
2. Oh, you don’t… Sorry.
3. Twilight is a book series built on its popular theme and plot.
4. The plot is known for arriving to the party late, drunk, in an old beat down car. After partying like it’s 1999 for maybe 20 pages, it drives away, crashes into a tree, and is never heard from again.
5. Currently thiiiiiiiis close to taking over all of teenage girls (or older women who still think like teenage girls).

I love how Edward SPARKLES in the sunlight instead of burning like a real vampire (Welcome to Sarcasmville. Population: that last sentence!). And I just love how he.. ah, who am I kidding? I never read or saw Twilight, but I do get the gist of it and what it does to people. By people I mean Twihards.

Long story short, Bella gets pregnant and this happens:

Oh yes, one creative (and creepy) Twilight fan actually took the time to felt together Bella’s womb, complete with — wait for it — an actual felted mutant fetus inside! Who in their right mind does stuff like this? Seriously, who wakes up one day and says, “Ya know, I think I want to spend the next week or so recreating what Bella’s womb would look like with a mutant fetus inside, and then maybe share it with fans on the internet … because they’ll of course think I’m, like, completely normal and stuff.”

Based on the type of people Edward attracts, you can see why I don’t fit in. People are getting Twilight tattoos. TATTOOS. How can I compete with that? FML. Did I say FML? Because I meant MLIT (My Life Is Twilight). Unlike the FML website, where people talk about how crappy their life is, the MLIT website is where people relate their life to Twilight.

Actual entries:

1. Today I asked my boyfriend if he would hold ice to his lips for a minute before he kissed me, so I could pretend I was kissing Edward. He did. MLIT
2. Today my boyfriend touched my face, and for the fisrt time i didn’t flinch at how cold his hands were. He looked at me and said…………”your pretending i’m Edward aren’t you?” I blushed as we both knew it was true. I can offically say MLIT!!!!

WOW. Oooh, I’ve got one:
Today I was eating grass around grouse mountain, befriending humans, showing them my fuzzy antlers, you know — the usual, then some sparkly asshole killed me so he could drink my blood. WTH JERK?! MLIT.

Looks like we were never meant to be, Cullen.