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Letter 10: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

March 16, 2011 5 comments

Hi Blog,

Didn’t think you’d be the topic of my next letter, did ya? I’ve got some news. You know about what happened to Japan recently? It’s tragic, really. What’s disgusting is how some Americans are reacting to it.

They’re saying how the earthquake was payback for pearl harbour.

I don’t think their brain is capable of operating on anything except the most animalistic level. Seeing how the reluctance in containing their overflowing pride is typically displayed, I don’t suppose a newly found maturity is in their near future.

One comment said:
Me: Did Japan attack Pearl Harbour again?
Friend: nooo, why?
Me: Cuz god just nuked it….

Blog, the American’s seemed to forget about Hiroshima and Nagasaki, which happened after Pearl Harbour. While those were controlled events, earthquakes, tsunamis, etc all can’t be helped. There’s no connection. Not only that, but some comments use God’s name to carry out their messages. Just shows some people are willing to pull things out of their ass to justify any fixed perspective towards a nation they abhor.

On a lighter note, there’s news about a Miracle of the baby girl plucked from the rubble: Four-month-old reunited with her father after incredible rescue.

That’s it for now, how are things on your end, blog? (Har har)

From your creator.

Categories: A Letter To..., Events, News Tags: ,

Letter 9: Someone you wish you could meet

August 11, 2010 5 comments

Dear Future Sarah,

You’ve done things I haven’t done. You’ve seen things I haven’t seen. You know things I don’t know. You lucky dog. If you’re not living on the edge you’re taking up too much space. In fact, you better be falling off the edge –of a plane! Preferably before summer ends.

As for the long term, I’m sure you won’t have problems making ends meet. You have that tendency to make the most of situations (good or bad) and turn them in your favour. Just don’t lose sight of what’s really important to you, otherwise you’ll find yourself working around what would otherwise be the desired outcome.

Time seems to go by slowly when you’re moving forward, yet so quickly when you’re looking back. Nonetheless I’ve learned lots from Past Sarah and I know you’ll learn lots from me!

Your Pal,

Sarah.

Categories: A Letter To..., Personal

Letter 8: Your favourite internet friend

August 9, 2010 12 comments

A poem for you!
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I Googled, weak and weary,
Over many a strange and curious topics I adore,
While I opened my homepage link, suddenly there came a typing,
Then my mind was filled with info, info that wouldn’t be a bore,
“‘Tis interesting news!” I clicked, “Now would there be anymore?!”
Quoth the server, “404.”

Dear Google,

You are known as one of the most helpful search engines, existing for the sole purpose of helping people find information. But you haven’t fooled me! That would be Wikipedia.

Google, of all my internet friends, I picked you because you know the most (about me). You record everything from what I search to every data about myself onto your servers, correlated with my IP address. There’s a good chance you’ve installed a cookie onto my browser that logs my online activity. One way around that is to set my browser to not accept cookies. If I do, I miss out on the services that cookies enable.

They sure didn't hide it!

They sure didn't hide it!

But thanks to an app called Google Trends, I can now track what other people search as well.
(In case you live in a cave, Google Trends is a tool that charts how often something is being searched for over a time line, revealing any interesting spikes in its popularity)
Look what I discovered:

Type in anything on Google Trends. You can even do more than one topic and overlap the results.


Wow. I wonder what got everybody suddenly wanting to look up anal fisting in Jan 06? Was there a Family Guy episode about it? South Park? Maybe it appeared in 4chan? Who knows. I don’t even know what a monster pig is. Then again neither did anybody until a brief week in 2007.

I figured if Google knows so much about us, let’s talk more about it. Google is a freaking lucrative corporation because it gives advertisers an avenue for getting attention and it gives consumers a free service.

They have a darn good algorithm working on autopilot and it works like this:

Google has “an evil side.” All the free services provided (Google Search, Google Earth, Google Maps, Gmail, Blogger ETC. ) are funded by advertisers. When you use those services, Google collects information about you. It uses what it knows about you to target ads specifically to your personal tastes. The more you use Google, the more Google gets paid through advertisers. And as long as they continue putting out superior products, we’ll keep using them, and the cycle continues.

Keeping friends close, and enemies closer,

You probably already know

Categories: A Letter To... Tags:

Letter 7: Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

August 7, 2010 6 comments

Dear… Edward Cullen?! Wait, that’s the topic I’m going with? Yes. Wow, I need to sit down for a minute. Whoa, office chair — bad idea. Floor it is.

For those who don’t know what Twilight is about.
1. Really? You don’t know what Twilight is about?
2. Oh, you don’t… Sorry.
3. Twilight is a book series built on its popular theme and plot.
4. The plot is known for arriving to the party late, drunk, in an old beat down car. After partying like it’s 1999 for maybe 20 pages, it drives away, crashes into a tree, and is never heard from again.
5. Currently thiiiiiiiis close to taking over all of teenage girls (or older women who still think like teenage girls).

I love how Edward SPARKLES in the sunlight instead of burning like a real vampire (Welcome to Sarcasmville. Population: that last sentence!). And I just love how he.. ah, who am I kidding? I never read or saw Twilight, but I do get the gist of it and what it does to people. By people I mean Twihards.

Long story short, Bella gets pregnant and this happens:

Oh yes, one creative (and creepy) Twilight fan actually took the time to felt together Bella’s womb, complete with — wait for it — an actual felted mutant fetus inside! Who in their right mind does stuff like this? Seriously, who wakes up one day and says, “Ya know, I think I want to spend the next week or so recreating what Bella’s womb would look like with a mutant fetus inside, and then maybe share it with fans on the internet … because they’ll of course think I’m, like, completely normal and stuff.”

Based on the type of people Edward attracts, you can see why I don’t fit in. People are getting Twilight tattoos. TATTOOS. How can I compete with that? FML. Did I say FML? Because I meant MLIT (My Life Is Twilight). Unlike the FML website, where people talk about how crappy their life is, the MLIT website is where people relate their life to Twilight.

Actual entries:

1. Today I asked my boyfriend if he would hold ice to his lips for a minute before he kissed me, so I could pretend I was kissing Edward. He did. MLIT
2. Today my boyfriend touched my face, and for the fisrt time i didn’t flinch at how cold his hands were. He looked at me and said…………”your pretending i’m Edward aren’t you?” I blushed as we both knew it was true. I can offically say MLIT!!!!

WOW. Oooh, I’ve got one:
Today I was eating grass around grouse mountain, befriending humans, showing them my fuzzy antlers, you know — the usual, then some sparkly asshole killed me so he could drink my blood. WTH JERK?! MLIT.

Looks like we were never meant to be, Cullen.

SL.

Day 6: A Letter to a Stranger

July 19, 2010 4 comments

Dear Stranger,

I couldn’t help but notice how the girl you were with didn’t like any of the toys in the aisle, let alone the entire toys section.

Problem: Today’s little girls are getting tired of traditional toys.
Possible solutions:
A) Find out what their personal tastes are.
B) Spend more quality time with them instead of throwing toys at them.
C) Modernize toys for girls so they can relate to them better.

C! When in doubt answer C!

Suggestions:
Infamous Barbie – The one everyone loves to hate. Features smeared mascara and cries real tears!
Strawberry Shortcake – Well known for reasons unknown.
Pregnant Polly Pocket – Comes with home pregnancy kit (Home abortion kit sold separately).
Facebook Brattz– Throws a tantrum if you take her away from her computer set and try to play with her.
Dora the Sexplorer – Self sexplanatory..
Plastic surgery Barbie – You can play with the face! Note: the more you alter the more deformed it looks.
Botox Barbie – Note: studies have shown that the chemicals used for Botox can move from the face to the brain after injection. The downside in having the neurotoxin inhabiting your precious brain stem is that the circuitry of your spinal cord could be infected, causing limitations to your mental and physical movement. And death. On the upside, your thoughts will look 10 years younger.

Good luck with keeping that girl content, stranger. If you take interest in these toys… reply with your credit card info and I’ll have them sent right over to you!

From another stranger,

unknown

Categories: A Letter To...

Day 5: A Letter to Your Dreams

July 18, 2010 1 comment

Dear Dreams,

You come as fast as 10 minutes into sleep. You come no matter where I’m sleeping. You are so vivid and unreal. You’ve given me two instances where I’ve had a dream within a dream. FYI it really is possible. And sometimes you threw in sleep paralysis as a bonus. I’ve had many dreams where they were similar (ex. My X-Men dreams where I was battling Jean Grey etc), but none were quite like this:

Night #1
It was a dark and scary night. I was outside and found somebody chasing me, so I ran. There was a huge maze-like house nearby and I thought to lose the killer through it. The damned place was a labyrinth of confusing hallways and rooms with locked doors. I could hear a cacophony of psychotic laughter echoing in the distance as I frightfully ran through the house. After coming to many dead ends and trying every door, I eventually came to one last door that stood between me and freedom. It was locked. The killer was coming closer and time wasn’t on my side. I vigorously jiggled the door-knob and somehow turned it in a way that it would unlock. Finally I was out of the house. I glance up and lo and behold! Who knew that freedom would look.. like a big red dragon?! It had its back facing the house and I knew I had to get passed it to be safe. Like a cheetah stealthily creeping through the tall grass, I was ready to make my escape. Slowly but steadily, I got to a point where I sprinted out of there.

Night #2

It was a dark and scary night. I was outside and.. –wait, what? This sounds familiar. Good lord, not this again! The following night I had the same dream. No, not exactly the same. Because I remembered going through that the previous night, the familiar events triggered the awareness of it being a dream. Thus it became a lucid dream. It was still scary as heck with the killer at my tail and everything. The house was still a pain I just wanted to find that last door. By the time I got there I panicked because the door wouldn’t open. Eventually it did, it just took a little longer. Then I got to the dragon again. I went through the same procedures as last time and successfully escaped. What a dream.

Night #3
It was a… let me guess, dark and scary night? Yeah! How did you know? Real question is, how could you NOT know?! Exact same scenario. Only thing different was my attitude. I got cocky. It was a lucid dream again because the same thing happened twice in a row and it was all too familiar. I thought to myself, “Ah, this is easy.” I lost the killer and it didn’t take me as long to get through the house. I knew where the last door was and unlocked it with ease. The dragon was still there, and I thought it was harmless. “This is cake,” I thought. At first I was crawling behind the tall grass, but then I picked up my pace and thought it wouldn’t notice. I was wrong. It turned around and looked right at me. “Oh shi..” I ran but the dragon caught up with me and all I could remember next was its mouth getting bigger and bigger as the world got darker and darker.

Thanks for the crazy and vivid adventures, dream. You’re the reason I love to sleep.

Good night!

Sar..Zzzz

Categories: A Letter To...

Day 4: A Letter to a Sibling

July 17, 2010 1 comment

Dear Sibling,

Being only 3 years apart, it was easy for us to bicker. Did I say bicker? -Because I meant spontaneously break out in combat to the death of our pride. Sometimes there wasn’t even a reason to be fighting. Remember that time you decided you wanted to practice some of your martial arts moves? Long story short you put an empty ice cream bucket over my head as a substitute for a helmet and did a jump kick.

(On the right) Now imagine this, but like over a decade ago and in our room. Yeah, that was us.


I was too young to know what was going on, but if there was one thing I did know, it was how to do a fetal position. Good times. I’ve always wanted to be jump kicked. Thanks bro!

And then there was that time you took me to school. I didn’t go to school but you wanted me to come with you. Together we walked there and I remember you introducing me to your class. I don’t know WHY you did that. You must have been so proud I was your sister you wanted to show the class! Yeah, that’s the story I’m going with. Your teacher had this “what the @#!% is this kid doing bringing his sister here” look, followed by a “what the !%^! do I do” look. I just sat in the office until I got picked up. Thanks bro! I got a jump start to education. Lesson one: don’t take kids to your class. (Btw I failed. When I started school I ended up bringing Helen to my class once and introduced her. Why? I do not know.)

Fights were basically a way to show what we were made of. Thing is I’ve already figured out what you’re “made of.” Here’s how it breaks down:

10% Snakes, snails, and puppy dog tails
3% Blueberries (sour ones)
24% Brain so powerful and high-pitched that only dogs can understand the decisions it makes sometimes
6% Digestive system capable of breaking down every food. No matter how much you eat, you don’t get fat
10% Diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of ideas
32% Adamantium endoskeleton that renders you impervious to the jokes/teases I pitch
12% Computer geek
6% Awesome

Total: 100% what a brother should be. Thanks bro!

Categories: A Letter To...