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Archive for April, 2010

A Letter to This Guy’s Skirt

April 21, 2010 7 comments

"What? All the cool kids are doing it!"


I never noticed this growing trend in Japan until recently.
“Skirts are not only for girls any more in Japan. There are also boys that wear “Skirts” in trendy cities such as Harajuku and Aoyama. Boy skirts are not brand new, they have been done by Jean Paul Goltier and Vivian Westwood, but this fashion is spreading as it gets trendier among today’s Tokyo boys of fashion. Long black skirts are the most popular, but some boys wear short skirts over pants. The most popular skirts are going for over $200.”

Dear This Guy’s Skirt,

Leave. Leave now. For your kind is not welcome here.

You are but a piteous clothing article, available in the trash cans at the back alley behind men’s clothing stores. Your fabric is commonplace. Your design is dreary. You are not worthy of shielding this man’s dangly parts from public view.

For some reason this guy chose you. He chose to wear you on the streets. Hell, chose to wear you around Japan. But that’s not it. He chose to wear you and let others take pictures of him.

Skirt, perhaps you provide some sentimental value for him.. or he was drunk in that back ally and resorted to wearing you in exchange for his puke stained pants, and you became his companion ever since. Who knows. The point is this: your very existence is an insult to the grand tradition of machismo boosting attire.

You are not seductive and made of leather.
You are not butt hugging and made of spandex.
You are neither provocatively embellished with patterns nor rhinestones.

The mighty Gods of Skirts know you lack sufficient qualifications to either intimidate other males or mesmerize the females by elevating and firming those buns while maintaining man’s rugged masculinity. They are not impressed. May thunder strike you for such incompetence.
Therefore, I bid you adieu.

From a rolling-on-floor-laughing and pointing individual,

Sarah Le

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The difference between checking out with a machine and a human

April 18, 2010 9 comments

So I was at Superstore with my sister an hour ago and bought a few things. By the time I was ready to pay the line ups were extremely long. That’s when I noticed those self checkout machines. No line up. At all. From afar they looked simple enough, so I went for it. But when I got closer it actually looked like this:

The machine was teasing me. Ladies and gentlemen, this marks the beginning of rising technology in which they eventually become humanity’s overlord. But more on that later. Promise.

I scanned the barcode on the item. Didn’t work. I tried again and stared at the screen. Nothing. I tried staring harder. I attempted to communicate with it, first using telepathy and then using screaming. To my surprise, the machine talked back. It said, “Please scan the item, then place it in the bag.” I pushed the “zero bags” option since 1) I didn’t need any and 2) it would cost 5 cents per bag. I’m Asian. But the little punk-machine kept saying –nay, demanding to “Put the stuff in the bag” and “Do as I say or I’ll kill you!” (OK, I made up the last one, but it’s bound to happen. amirite?!). I obeyed it. In the end it finally worked and I left without paying for the bag. Re-bel.

Next I went to Save On. This time I went to the cashier. The next series of events are what makes people > machine. The cashier asked me whether or not I had a save on card. Unfortunately I didn’t, so I couldn’t save money. Then a guy in the neighbouring aisle came over and offered his card. He gave it to the girl and saved me a couple bucks! That was very nice of him. Then I reached into my bag I noticed I didn’t have my wallet (it was in the car). She said I could come back and she’d save it but I was too lazy for that. I looked in my bag to see if I had enough random change. Unfortunately I didn’t. Can you say, “embarrassing?!” Then she told me not to worry and gave me the stuff anyway! That was very nice of her. A bit of faith in humanity has been restored.

Technology 0, Humanity 1!

Categories: Irony, Technology Tags:

A Letter to the Victims of Recession

April 15, 2010 1 comment

Note: I wrote this last year during the recession but was reminded of it when someone I know got laid off recently. So I’m posting it here. See what happens when you don’t follow my instructions?

Dear employee,

The unemployment rate in Canada rose to 8.6%, making it the highest rate in 11 years. Many have been laid off. Could you be next? I sure hope so -Anything to save myself. But assuming you aren’t my co-worker, I’m here to help!

We all know some of your coworkers are downright knowledgeably bankrupt mutants from the evolutionary journey of the hardworking species. The wagon of human development hit a bump and they were left behind, in the dust, scratching their head. From there, they wandered to a nearby business and are now working with you. It’s time to take natural selection into your own hands and expose those unfit for survival. Either they’re fired or you are.

So! Here are some ideas to secure your position:
Avoid looking like a fool.
If at first you don’t succeed… destroy all evidence that you tried.

Suck up.
I know, it’s disgustingly pathetic and at the mere mentioning of it, I shuddered involuntarily and threw up in my mouth. But hey, it’ll come in handy. So grab your boss’s favourite drink. Be it coffee, juice.. human blood –it doesn’t matter. Then place it on his/her desk saying, “Oh, I just happened to pass by Tim Horton’s/my co-worker. Enjoy!” Despite your boss’s titanium endoskeleton and general, all-round monstrosity, your act of generosity will be accounted for.

No explicit, unprofessional facebook info.
Employers like to snoop. Even with raised privacy settings, your partying/drinking pictures can still be leaked out. That means you, Ray Lam, former BC NDP candidate.

After a few private Facebook photos became public, Ray had to resign from his position.

Make “subtle” death threats.
You want to establish dominance over your coworkers by striking fear into their hearts. “Casually” sharpen your machete during meetings and “casually” test your chainsaw. Sure, they’ll want you gone. But who’ll have the audacity to approach someone with shaky, blood-stained hands and psychotic laughter?

Always be up and running.
They can’t fire what they can’t find.

Make yourself look good.
Upon critiquing your coworkers’ reports, tell them you could have eaten alphabets and crapped out a better commentary. Then elicit a laughter that resembles the boisterous cackle of Satan himself. Go ahead, now’s the time where heightening yourself at the expense of others is A-OK.

If these don’t work, you can always just sit back and hope the recession goes away. Or engage in social discourse all day while inhaling some chemicals. That’s what I do and I still have my job.
Good luck!

Sarah

I have a problem

April 14, 2010 4 comments

Greetings, kind reader. Today I have a confession to make.
Have you ever gotten a song stuck in your head, but you didn’t know all the lyrics so the only part you did know (usually the chorus) replayed over and over?

This tune has been sucking on my subconscious like a pack of leeches sucking on your neck, and your arms are amputated leaving you powerless to retaliate.


I don’t even know the lyrics, so just the background beat and chorus is stuck in my head. One can only tolerate a tune for so long. At first it was catchy. My sentences would actually follow the beat and I’d break out in song. Seems a bit funny a first, but then it gets theatrical and I start dancing with my puppy. That’s when I realized I needed help. This problem has snow-balled into a self-perpetuating reminder of ice, babies, and ice-babies.

Confession: If we’ve ever conversed at some point in the past few weeks you’ll probably notice that I’d be looking at you and occasionally nod as you speak, conveying deep understanding and concern for the topic matter. But really the only thing going on in my head was “dun dun-dun dun dun dun dun.. ice ice baby..” replaying over and over like a broken record player. My apologies. I will fight to regain power of attorney over my mental synapses and ..ice ice baby.. –DAMNIT.

Categories: Problems Tags:

Good ol’ advice from big sis

April 13, 2010 8 comments

Sit down, lil sis. I understand there’s a certain classmate at school named Nova and how she’s stubborn, mean, and always gets her way. But don’t you worry, I’m here to help! When dealing with kids like her, you just need to step up your persuasion levels so you don’t always have to give in to her demands. Here are a few ways to do so.

Negotiate: The trick is to use negotiation as a tool of diversion. Don’t ever compromise your main point. Make up a larger request you don’t care about to draw her attention, then compromise on that by striking a deal using your real (smaller) request. Point is, when both the requests are compared, your real one will seem more favourable so she’ll be more receptive to grant it instead. Remember, it’s a strategic negotiation so you’re supposed to let her think it’s fair.
Ex) Next time during “partner library time” if she makes you read books about Brittany Spears’s little pregnant sister.. what’s it called? Right, Zoey 101, you can say this:
You: Let’s read this mystery book.
Her: But we read one before, let’s read a different book. I don’t like mystery.
You: I don’t care. We should read this mystery book, and then read that entire series of mystery books over there.
Her: But that’s too much! It’ll take forever to read.
You: Yeah, I guess you’re right. Gosh, we’d get sick of them all wouldn’t we?
Her: Yeah, that’s right.
You: Ok, just one book it is, then.

Be taller: Another effective method is to use intimidation and look bigger.
Ex) if she steals your markers that I bought you again, this is what you do:
Her: (sitting) Give me your markers.
You: (standing up) These are mine that my awesome sister bought me. Use your own.
Her: (also standing up) But I need them!
You: (standing on tippy toes) Last time you took the pack then lied about it. That’s stealing.
Her: (still standing) Nuh-uh!
You: (standing on chair) It had my name on the inside of the lid! (Optional: punch your palm while reasserting your proposition).
Her: Uh. Fiiine (sits down).

Use big words: You mentioned she’s stubborn and often uses simple words like nuh-uh, did too, yeah right, etcetc. Do the opposite and use big words. They make you sound smarter and harder to argue with.
Ex) Since you’re not into Barbie, compare these two arguments and see which is more persuasive:
“Barbie is bad. Lego is better.”
“You are the manifestation of surplus delusion if you do not vilify the depredation that toys like Barbie impose on young, innocent kids, while showcasing the supremacy of Lego.”

Use a weapon: If all else fails here’s a pocket watch. When she wants something unreasonable just whip it out and swing it while saying, “You are getting sleepy.. Veerrryy sleeepy~..” You know the rest.

Categories: Communication, Tips Tags:

Let the hunting begin!

April 4, 2010 2 comments

So today is Easter Sunday. To some, it’s a joyous day to celebrate how Jesus Christ resurrected from the dead on the third day after his crucifixion. To others, it’s hunting creme-filled chocolate eggs supposedly left for them by an over-sized magic bunny. Or both. Judging from the way some people hunt for them you could say it’s like how they hunt for diet pills. But why bother with diet pills when you can have my offer?

Do you find yourself searching frantically for diet pills? Fear not, my good chum! I have just the thing for you. Behold the almighty magical weight loss egg!

Hundred bucks per batch. I believe this is the only thing worthy of your consideration.


I will tell you more, indeed, I will tell all! But let us not be vulgar and rush. As one who sweats profusely under certain conditions, like sitting quietly at room temperature, I have taken the liberty of trying these out myself. The results are astonishing! Mind-blowing! Seriously!

Just… hang on a minute… gotta catch my breath here.. and… mmm! Donut!

Ah, I see you are a viewer possessed of discerning skepticism. What’s that? Do I offer money back guarantee?

*SMACK!

Sorry. I instinctively backhanded you. Forgive me, for I am unable to refrain from thrashing out at ridiculous notions.

Really, there’s no need for refunds. It IS a “magical” egg, after all. I can assure you it works.. and it’s magically delicious! You’re probably wondering how it works. But don’t you know? Magicians never reveal the truth behind their magic tricks. I will tell you one thing though: after consumption you might break into a seizure and start foaming from the mouth… but go ahead and try anyway because maybe you won’t.

I see you are aware of my competitors:

They don’t even lay eggs. Why hunt for eggs from bunnies that need to prehunt the eggs?

My magical eggs come from this little bugger:

She’s a beauty. Look! There’s a picture of it on the internets! That means it must be real!

I accept cash or credit.

In a bunny costume,

Sarah Le

Categories: Holidays Tags: ,

UFO: Ultimate Fraudulent Object

April 3, 2010 11 comments

More powerful than a locomotive…
Faster than a speeding bullet!
Look up in the sky. It’s a bird! It’s a plane!
-No, it’s the work of conniving juvenile delinquents,
Whose aim is to collect victims of mass hysteria,
And publicize a scene of self-serving biases
To the possibility of advanced life!
Take cover!!

Categories: Other