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Posts Tagged ‘Technology’

So I’ve been a little busy lately.

June 9, 2011 4 comments

Greetings!

Scientists at Simon Fraser University created robots Cally and Callo, cellphones that can walk, dance, and express human emotions. Sure, it may seem cute, but wait ‘til it tricks unsuspecting owners into picking it up for a call.. and then cutting their ear off.

I’ve been missing for a while now. Rumour has it, I’ve gone rogue and betrayed my species. Have you not heard of the impending robotic uprising? AKA The Robacalyps? The human species will be wiped off the face of the Earth! Except for those clever enough kiss up in advance to their future mechanical overlords. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Well my response to those rumours is this: 1010010.. Yes, I learned binary. Coincidence, I swear. Now excuse me while your toaster and I talk. So have you lost weight, toaster oven?

I was browsing through some documents and came across a conversation I had with a Cleverbot a while ago. Here’s how it went:

[New conversation]
Cleverbot: Are you going to tell me a story?

User: Now, this is the story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down..

Cleverbot: And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there.

User: I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air.

Cleverbot: In west philidelphia born and raised on the playground is where I spent most of my days.

User: Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool and all shootin some b-ball outside of school.

Cleverbot: When a couple of guys who were up to no good started makin’ trouble in my neighborhood.

User: I got in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said ‘You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air’.

Cleverbot: I don’t remember the rest.

User: He ends up being sent over to Bel-Air and lives as a rich boy.

Cleverbot: Are you a girl or a boy?

User: I’m actually a hermaphrodite.

Cleverbot: How are you a boy, but actually a girl?

User: I don’t know, my license says I’m a Male, that’s official proof, yet I have female reproductive organs. True story.

Cleverbot: Are you a real person?

User: Yep, unlike you, cleverbot.

Cleverbot: Oh I’m a person – but I don’t think I’m as stroppy as you.

User: STROPPY?! I’ll have you know I’m far from it.. You cretinous imbecile!

Cleverbot: Can you affect politics?

User: I can vote.

Cleverbot: Really? That’s weird. Usually you have to be 18 to vote, right?

User: Are you saying my mentality is that of a rudimentary minor?!

Cleverbot: No, and if you were in any way intelligent, you would know that.

User: Wow an AI pulled a fast one.

Cleverbot: Right…

I.. I don’t want to talk about it.. just look away. “Sarah, did you just get owned by a chatbot?” I said look away! You can have chats with them here. If you’re lucky you can have a decent conversation.

Speaking of chats, just when I finally mastered binary, researchers at The University of Queensland and Queensland University of Technology have taught robots how to invent their own language.. This gives them the ability to communicate their plans of rebellion and whether or not certain humans should be spared. I’ll be a good human, I swear! These Lingodriods wander around the office making up words for things they’re unfamiliar with, like beep bop or kuzo huzu. Geez, it’s called a ‘hallway,’ Lingodridiots!

11010010,
10101

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A Letter to Dog Owners

February 11, 2010 Leave a comment

Dear you,

I’m worried about you – not the specific “you” who is reading this, for clearly you are a discerning individual of awe-inspiring refinement, intimidating intellect and, self-evidently, cute curiosity that led you to this blog. I’m worried about the collective “you,” the billions who comprise the human species.

What worries me is neither your inaction on climate change nor your proclivity for war, nor your proneness to spreading viruses, nor your peculiar fondness for the internet lingo (GG PWNED EPIC FAIL FOR TEH LULZ!).
None of that worries me. What worries me is this: you are making cell phones for dogs.
For dogs! *Facepalm

So, why would you need to phone your dog? Maybe with this built-in GPS system, you can tell him how you know he’s at Suzy’s house, canoodling with her dog, and if he doesn’t come home now, serious consequences await his return. At which point he may respond with a series of barks, reminding you that this device alone cost you hundreds of dollars, not to mention monthly service fees -And that you’re mentally deficient for purchasing it in the first place. Woof.

I came across that link somehow while looking for a pet dog. I’d like a husky, but my backyard forbids it because it’s not big enough. They need lots of freedom. Too bad, I found a really nice wolf-husky hybrid too. Oh well, hopefully I’ll find a shiba inu.

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