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Letter 7: Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

August 7, 2010 6 comments

Dear… Edward Cullen?! Wait, that’s the topic I’m going with? Yes. Wow, I need to sit down for a minute. Whoa, office chair — bad idea. Floor it is.

For those who don’t know what Twilight is about.
1. Really? You don’t know what Twilight is about?
2. Oh, you don’t… Sorry.
3. Twilight is a book series built on its popular theme and plot.
4. The plot is known for arriving to the party late, drunk, in an old beat down car. After partying like it’s 1999 for maybe 20 pages, it drives away, crashes into a tree, and is never heard from again.
5. Currently thiiiiiiiis close to taking over all of teenage girls (or older women who still think like teenage girls).

I love how Edward SPARKLES in the sunlight instead of burning like a real vampire (Welcome to Sarcasmville. Population: that last sentence!). And I just love how he.. ah, who am I kidding? I never read or saw Twilight, but I do get the gist of it and what it does to people. By people I mean Twihards.

Long story short, Bella gets pregnant and this happens:

Oh yes, one creative (and creepy) Twilight fan actually took the time to felt together Bella’s womb, complete with — wait for it — an actual felted mutant fetus inside! Who in their right mind does stuff like this? Seriously, who wakes up one day and says, “Ya know, I think I want to spend the next week or so recreating what Bella’s womb would look like with a mutant fetus inside, and then maybe share it with fans on the internet … because they’ll of course think I’m, like, completely normal and stuff.”

Based on the type of people Edward attracts, you can see why I don’t fit in. People are getting Twilight tattoos. TATTOOS. How can I compete with that? FML. Did I say FML? Because I meant MLIT (My Life Is Twilight). Unlike the FML website, where people talk about how crappy their life is, the MLIT website is where people relate their life to Twilight.

Actual entries:

1. Today I asked my boyfriend if he would hold ice to his lips for a minute before he kissed me, so I could pretend I was kissing Edward. He did. MLIT
2. Today my boyfriend touched my face, and for the fisrt time i didn’t flinch at how cold his hands were. He looked at me and said…………”your pretending i’m Edward aren’t you?” I blushed as we both knew it was true. I can offically say MLIT!!!!

WOW. Oooh, I’ve got one:
Today I was eating grass around grouse mountain, befriending humans, showing them my fuzzy antlers, you know — the usual, then some sparkly asshole killed me so he could drink my blood. WTH JERK?! MLIT.

Looks like we were never meant to be, Cullen.

SL.

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