Home > A Letter To... > A Letter to Mother Nature

A Letter to Mother Nature

Dear Mama Green,

Enough with the apocalyptic flurries of pollen mixed with dust balls mixed with cut grass mixed with pollen balls mixed with the bloody tears of those who fall victim of summer allergies.

One in six Canadians suffer from hay fever or seasonal allergic rhinitis. People are sneezing and getting ill everywhere. What’s that? Just take some medications? You’d like to see us try wouldn’t you? Upon treating the kiddies with allergies, today’s savvy parent will instinctively reach for a pack of Claritin. Should Claritin fail to provide relief, out comes Benadryl… then Allegra, a dust mask, and ultimately a large plastic bubble. Now, the kid being drowsy of medication side effects and being mortally wounded, today’s savvy parent sweats profusely while reaching for a book of spells before collapsing.

Look what you’ve done to us. We’re a struggling mass of swollen eyelids, shattered nostrils, itchy eyes, and extended middle fingers.

Mama G, I always thought of you as a glistening, angelic figure frolicking gracefully within the forest as rainbows and butterflies lead the way. All the cute little creatures would surround you as you sing along with them.

But I was wrong.

I guess only Snow White does that and you are a bullshit artist of a godly magnitude. You probably enjoy watching us struggle. Don’t think I’ve forgotten how you treated certain parts of the world as your own personal snow globe the other winter either. Listen, I get it. You must be furious about how we treat you sometimes, especially how Al Gore publicized some explicitly pervasive photos of how you looked in the past and how you look now. But ease off a little! We aren’t built for this kind of stuff.

From your tree hugging chum,

Sarah *Ah-Choo Le

Categories: A Letter To... Tags: ,
  1. rosanna
    June 9, 2010 at 12:37 am

    Har har =P.

  2. June 12, 2010 at 3:14 am

    Interesting read, althoug it can be argued both sides. A bit like talking love spells in the middle of a well-ordered paper.

  3. June 18, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    I’m researching people willing to be interviewed for an article regarding the occult and love spells.
    Please contact me if you have had any experience with spell casters, good or bad.
    Discretion and privacy are guaranteed.

  4. Almomyfaf
    August 9, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    Hello lads,

    This is a story that I find amusing everytime I read:

    A man received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, extremely rude.
    The man tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind.
    Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He went to a voodoo spell caster to cast a [url=http://www.lovebindingspell.com]love spell[/url] on it, with no luck.
    He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and exceedingly rude.
    Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer.
    For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.
    The man was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man’s extended arm and said: “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to improve my behavior.”
    The man was astounded at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, “…May I ask what the chicken did?”

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